Knowing when to ignore our children

ignoring-regressive-behaviourHow does a parent respond to a child slipping backwards in their functioning? – When children manage a new developmental task and then regress to behaving in an earlier more childish manner. In this current climate of anxious focus on children, giving attention to a child’s anxious or regressed episodes can happen automatically.  It often just seems the right thing to do. The challenge for the parent is to provide encouragement for the child’s growing capabilities and refrain from reinforcing their gestures of regression

How does a parent respond to a child slipping backwards in their functioning? – When children manage a new developmental task and then regress to behaving in an earlier more childish manner. I was chatting to a Mum last week about her 7 year old who was crying about not wanting to do swimming lessons in the school holidays. She had been learning swimming with her older sister throughout the year, and while she hadn’t been enthusiastic, she was making progress and participating.  On the cusp of the holiday swimming program this little girl declared that she was afraid of the water and didn’t want to be made to do swimming. I explored with the mother her possible responses to this protest. She was clear that swimming lessons were important due to the family’s proximity to the beach. For her it was not just an extra-curricular activity, it was about ocean safety. She did reflect that this younger child tended to become anxious and slip backwards just as she was making some maturing progress. Her responses had often been to sit down with her daughter and try to talk through her worries. She would suggest strategies for managing her fears but found that the more she reassured her daughter the more her daughter seemed to express her apprehensions.

In this current climate of anxious focus on children, giving attention to a child’s anxious or regressed episodes can happen automatically.  It often just seems the right thing to do. A parent can try to get to the bottom of their child’s setbacks by focussing on their fears and feelings. It can be quite disillusioning when the child then regresses further in response to such attention. A parent may then get frustrated with the child or teen and shift their positive attention to more negative cajoling: “Come on you can get yourself to swimming lessons; you’ve been doing it all year. You’re just being difficult!” The negative attention often leads to more ‘stuckness’ for the child and parent and the tone of their interactions easily becomes tense.

I recall a period in my own parenting, after an inter country move, when my then 3 year old began showing distress when I left her at her nursery school. She had previously been very happy to have me leave and had commenced her new ½ day pre-school with excitement and confidence. When she showed her 1st sign of separation distress I recall the staff becoming anxious about the child who had travelled all the way from Australia. They strongly encouraged me to stay with her to assist her in the transition and this synced with my own concerns about by child’s vulnerability. Some weeks later I was still sitting beside my daughter in the welcome circle joining in the children’s action songs and assisting with the afternoon activities. I often think I should have been put on the pay roll. Predictably my daughter did not increase her autonomy but became habitually distressed with the first inkling of separation. At the time I did not see the part that I had played in reinforcing her regression.

Bowen observed that when a child is focussed on anxiously they respond with increasingly impaired behaviours. This can happen in families, in schools, in psychological treatment. It is predictable that as a child reaches a new developmental milestone of more independence and mastery of skills, that they exhibit episodes of retreat to an earlier stage of dependence on caregivers. This is part of the growing up trajectory. The challenge for the parent is to provide encouragement for the child’s growing capabilities and refrain from reinforcing their gestures of regression.  In essence, they ignore the child’s reversion behaviours and invitations for the parent to treat them as if they were back in a more dependent stage. When the child resumes their age appropriate functioning, the parent attends to the child with calm reassurance.

What might this look like? Drawing from the example of the 7 year old’s protests about swimming lessons: Firstly the mother will recognise her own uncertainties and steady herself so as not to inject her sensitivities into the child’s situation. When the objections arise the Mother can demonstrate with a brief comment that she will not entertain such protests. This is followed up by ignoring continued winging/wining from the child. The parent does not give attention to the child’s upset in the form of concern, advice or stern lectures.  Any parent will find this challenging and will need to attend to their own discomfort in reaction to their upset child. It is predictable that the child will up the ante of their upset for a time. They will give this up when they can sense that the parent is going to maintain their resolve. When the child moves back into participating in their swimming classes, as they previously had been able to do, the parents acknowledge the child’s efforts and show interest in what they have mastered. They take care not to ‘over- focus’, through exaggerated praise or reward for what is simply the child’s appropriate engagement in their life activities.

Looking back on my own nursery school internship with my then 3 year old I can see how helpful it would have been to ignore the initial displays of separation distress – To give the usual loving gestures of good bye and to leave calmly. At the afternoon pick up I would show an interest in her activities but not give my attention to discussing her earlier upset. With the passing of 25 years it is much easier to see a way through. At the time I was working through my own separation challenges from my extended family and I can see how this made it difficult to distinguish between my insecurities and my child’s emotions. Growing ourselves up as parents (or carers) requires managing our own insecurities so as not to allow them to spill over into our relating with our child.

The current tide of parenting is all about attending to a child’s distress and showing sensitivity to their needs. Challenging this ethos guarantees emotive counteractions from many ‘child experts’ and conscientious parents devoted to the path of tuning into their child’s emotions. Of course there are apt times to listen well and support a child as they face real challenges. This is different to attention that reinforces a child’s natural moments of resisting steady steps towards increased maturity. A parent who can see their part in these patterns can be the very best resource for their child’s resilience.

Key questions for reflection

  • How do I respond to my child when their behaviour is a step back in age appropriate maturity? { e.g. might be tantrums, thumb sucking, sleeping in parents bed, separation distress, refusal to do tasks or participate]
  • Do I attend to such regressions either positively (reassurance, affection) or negatively (lectures, threats)? Am I reacting to the other parent by attending with the opposite tone?
  • What do I observe of the effects of such attention over time on my child’s resilience?
  • What are my own internal struggles in the face of seeing my child’s increased neediness or immaturity? How can I keep myself calm and thoughtful? Can I recognise when my child’s increased neediness of me steadies my own insecurities?
  • What ways do I support my child’s steps towards more autonomy? – With acknowledgement and interest that encourage progress or with exaggerated praise, and rewards that promotes immature entitlement?


To read more see: p 106 – 129 in Growing Yourself Up: How to bring your best to all of life’s relationships. Jenny Brown

If you’re going to assist your child to grow their resilience, the first step will be to increase your own resilience in tolerating your child’s upset without feeling compelled to rush in and smooth over everything for them. The grown-up parent, who really wants to be a loving resource to their child, is prepared to work on themselves and not make a project out of their child. P 108

Relevant Quote from Murray Bowen MD

The process begins with anxiety in the mother. The child responds anxiously to the mother, which she misperceives as a problem in the child. [The father usually plays a role – he is sensitive to the mother’s anxiety, and he tends to support her view and help her implement her anxious efforts at mothering] The anxious parental effort goes into sympathetic, solicitous, overprotective energy, which is directed more by the mother’s anxiety than the reality needs of the child. It establishes a pattern of infantilising the child who gradually becomes more impaired and more demanding. Once the process has started, it can be motivated either by anxiety in the mother, or anxiety in the child. In the average situation there may be symptomatic episodes at stressful periods during childhood which gradually increase to major symptoms during or after adolescence. P 381 FTCP

‘Knowing when to ignore our children’ – Jenny Brown

The Excluded Sister – feeling like an outsider in the family

3 sisters
The Three Sisters in the Blue Mountains NSW Australia

Shelley had never considered the idea that her ‘tight’ mother and sister’s relationship could provide her with some ‘growing up’ opportunities as she practiced tolerating being an outsider.

I was chatting to a friend (who I’ll call Shelley) about how my relationship with my sisters has grown to be such a positive resource for me. Shelley bemoaned her relationship with her only sister saying that she always felt pushed to the outside while her older sister and mother shared a cosy togetherness. She felt excluded as she observed her mother and sister sharing much of their life with each other. Shelley sensed that they often talked critically about her, judging her motives and discussing her foibles.

I asked her how she manages feeling like the outsider with her sister and mother. Shelley’s response was: “I’ve given up on ever having a decent relationship with either of them, especially my sister. She is just a drain on my life and I can’t be bothered to work on it being any different.”

Shelley described occasionally making an effort to get her mother to herself but always felt like she gets pushed to the background seeing her mother privileging time with her sister.

This kind of relationship triangle is not uncommon. Usually when there is tension with a sibling this can best be understood by looking at the different relationship each sibling has with each parent. The way the parent invests in, leans on or worries about each of their children (at any age) will shape the way their children experience each other. Shelley viewed her sister as arrogant and exclusive but this can be seen differently when understanding the way her mother drew strength from her relationship with her eldest through the growing up years. When Shelley’s parents divorced she recalled that her mum looked increasingly to her eldest daughter for company and support. As the younger daughter by a few years Shelley remembers always being treated as the baby who was monitored by both her mother and sister. In contrast, in her relationship with her Dad, she sensed that he found her easiest to spend time with and would often spoil her.

As we chatted I shared some of my own sensitivities to being left out of some of my family relationships. These could typically be a sister gathering where I felt that I couldn’t get a word in; or hearing two members of my family discuss important things that I had not previously heard about. I have learned that being on the outside of a close twosome provides me with some excellent practice in regulating my emotions – toning down any negative reactions to those I feel excluded by. It’s been useful to practice being more comfortable as an outsider. As one who felt most secure when my mother leant on me, I have worked at not always be ‘needing to be needed’. I have consciously cultivated appreciating when others align to support each other with myself on the periphery. I’ve worked at stopping trying to get attention or to have more air time in these ‘outsider’ situations. I’ve learned to affirm the closeness of the other two people. This has enabled me to tone down my anxiety-driven competition to get the relationship inclusion that steadied me. What’s been fascinating in these changes is watching how the ‘tightness’ between others starts to appear less intense or offensive. As such, the sense of exclusion declines over time.

Shelley was surprised to hear of these experiences. She had never considered the idea that her mother and sister’s relationship could provide her with some ‘growing up’ opportunities as she practiced tolerating being an outsider. Considering the benefit of their relationship for her family’s coping with its many life challenges also provided a novel perspective. Shelley could be less critical of her sister as she saw how much the ‘mother – daughter’ closeness had helped her mother to keep up her life functioning at the difficult times. Rather than try to get some insider time with her Mum she wondered about conveying to her mother and sister how she admired the way they help each other out. She laughed at the prospect of such a radical reversal.

I don’t know if Shelley will begin to think differently about her sister through the lens of the triangle – that includes her and her Mum. It’s never easy to make such adjustments to our relationship sensitivities. Distancing and blaming usually feels like an easier path. I think it’s helpful to consider how we all need to be able to function well as outsiders in many parts of life. There will always be twosomes and groups that pull together as ways of managing life in families, workplaces, community groups and churches. We won’t always be in the cosy inside group and that is a good thing – with many advantages. When we are struggling with feelings of exclusion it’s useful to ponder how we are most likely a part of a relationship triangle and any reactions such as distancing or competitive manoeuvrers will contribute to the intensity of the triangle.

Questions for Reflection

  • Are there times I feel particularly stressed when feeling excluded? In which relationships does this usually occur?
  • Can I see a triangle at work in these situations – where two people have steadied each other by being aligned in contrast to a third?
  • In which situations am I on the inside of a triangle? When am I on the inside?
  • What patterns do I notice when I feel like an outsider? Can I see ways to halt those patterns of distance, criticism, competiveness, pursuing another for attention?
  • What are the opportunities to practice being able to maturely manage in the outside position?

For more information about relationship triangles read – ‘Growing Yourself Up” pages 44-46. And 144-5

Bowen writes FTCP p 478 & 480

‘A two person system is unstable in that it forms itself into a three person system or triangle under stress.’

‘When there is finally one who can control his/her emotional responsiveness and not take sides with either of the two, and stay constantly in contact with the other two, the emotional intensity within the twosome will decrease and both will move to a higher level of differentiation [maturity].’


‘The Excluded Sister – feeling like an outsider in the family’Jenny Brown